


All I Wanted Was You

by Im_Still_A_Piece_Of_Garbage



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, M/M, Probably ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:04:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27170114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Im_Still_A_Piece_Of_Garbage/pseuds/Im_Still_A_Piece_Of_Garbage
Summary: A retrospective letter to the late Kiyotaka Ishimaru.TW: S/icide (not exactly explicit but it's heavily referenced)
Relationships: Ishimaru Kiyotaka/Oowada Mondo
Comments: 5
Kudos: 75





	All I Wanted Was You

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this is a sPiCy vent. The title is from All I Wanted by Paramore (I definitely recommend listening to it if you haven't yet)

Dear Kiyotaka Ishimaru,

I thought you were happy. It seemed like it. But maybe I was too caught up in other shit to see the signs.

I still remember the first day I should’ve realized you weren’t ok. It was raining at the time – cliché, huh? – and you were freaking out about getting your uniform wet. You always were too worried about trivial things.

I remember asking you what you thought about the rain. I don’t really know why I asked; brainless curiosity probably. It was a pretty dumb question, and I expected something typical as an answer.

Something nerdy about the water cycle or some shit. But you told me that you resonated with it. And me being the dumbass I am, didn’t understand that. Yet the only explanation you gave was that the rain signified change – that the sky finally had the chance to let go of all it’s baggage. And you said that you sometimes felt like you had too much baggage to rain out of you.

I was too caught up in the poetry of your words to pay much attention to what it meant. I was… awestruck.

That was my first mistake.

My emotions blinded me. Not only was I too caught up to realize you weren’t ok, I was too obsessed with what I was feeling to connect with you at all. You needed help, and I wasn’t there to give it to you.

And I wish I could’ve been there for you. I wish I could’ve talked to you about what you were feeling before…this.

Some part of me thinks I could’ve stopped it. And maybe? Maybe I could’ve. If I had just been a good Kyoudai instead of leaving you to face your emotions by yourself. I abandoned you, and I’ll never forgive myself for it.

I know you wouldn’t do that to me. Hell, you didn’t even let me see your body. I still remember when it happened. The memories of that day are seared into my brain.

You texted me; you said “I love you. Goodbye.”

And I was confused, mainly. What did it mean? And I texted back. You didn’t even see the message. So obviously, I went to your room.

I remember the dread creeping in at this point. An ominous goodbye and not even looking at my reply? Sounded sketchy to me.

It was so much worse than I imagined.

I remember walking up to your door and first noticing the slip of paper jutting out from the gap beneath the door. It was placed in an odd position: out enough to be seen, but not so much that you would see it just walking by – someone had to be going to your dorm to notice it.

I rang the bell first. When you didn’t answer after a couple seconds, curiosity got the better of me and I just had to check the paper on the floor. I still have it, y’know? I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of it. It’s too precious. Your last memory. The youngest and brightest Ishimaru’s last words.

Sad, huh? I definitely felt that way at the time. It was like someone had ripped a hole into me. It felt like someone had stabbed me, really. I don’t think I’ve ever been that hurt in my entire life.

My first instinct was to break in. I slammed my fists against the door and cried out for you. It was pretty relentless: My hands were bleeding afterwards. I remember crying the hardest I’ve ever cried. Tears were just streaming down my face, mixing with the mucus and spittle from my yelling. 

It was so loud that Kyoko all the way in the cafeteria ran towards the scene. But I didn’t care. All I wanted was you. I kept slamming myself against the door; I even scratched it up a bit. But I never got in.

In the end, my relentless attack didn’t change anything. Eventually the headmaster showed up. I cried and cried and cried. He hugged me – kept saying it’d be all right.

It wasn’t.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru had died. Killed himself, even. Nothing would ever be the same. You with your big dreams and even bigger heart. You were just… gone. Just like that. Poof.

There was a hole in my heart. How could I ever be the same again?

Who cared that I was sobbing uncontrollably into a middle-aged mans shoulder in front of all my classmates – I couldn’t care less about what everyone else thought when something so enormous had just happened. Hell, they were all crying too.

So much so, that the school therapist had to be brought to us. It was like an enormous group therapy session right in the middle of the hall. But that was for later. After they’d found the body.

They didn’t show it to me, yknow. It was just as you wanted. They made sure I was brought away from you. I’m not even sure how you did it. I really hope it was painless. It’s the least you deserve.

Because really you deserved so much more. More than me, more than your grandfather and more than this godforsaken world has ever given you. This world that drove someone as motivated and loving as you to end it all.

I regret not giving it all to you. I regret a lot of things really. The way I treated you at first, the way we argued.

But mostly? What I regret the most?

I regret not telling you. Not confessing. Maybe you wouldn’t have done it if you knew I was there for you. Maybe you’d still be here, with me. Hell, I knew you reciprocated. Something in me just knew. And your final messages really just confirmed it all.

Why didn’t I say anything? Instead I left you all alone. And then you died… And all that’s left is me. Me with my broken heart and the broken memories of our friendship. Me with the knowledge that the feelings I thought to be hopeless and endless were just as strong in me as you.

I loved you Taka. There, I said it.  
\- Mondo Oowada


End file.
